Any situation where you feel you can’t cope or you’re not in control is likely to make you feel stressed, so plan ahead to minimise these feelings. For instance, schedule ‘escapes’ for yourself during their stay – be that a walk with a friend or a trip to the shop for some groceries. Mentioning such plans politely at the outset of the visit will help prevent any awkwardness in the moment.
Similarly, plan private me-time breaks at home, such as a spot of gardening, or even just a long shower. These brief respites will prevent your feelings from overwhelming you.
Try to cultivate opportunities for shared positive moments with your in-laws, be that a trip to see some Christmas lights, taking the kids to the park, cooking together, playing a board game, or whatever else floats their boat (and that you might enjoy too).
If you strongly disagree with them on politics, religion, vaccinations, or some other topic, it might be tempting, in the heat of the moment, to confront their views. But do you really want to go down that road? Be pragmatic and honest with yourself: if these visits are rare, and/or you’re unlikely to ever see eye-to-eye, perhaps it’s better to avoid confrontation. Remind yourself of the good that can come from these visits – such as your kids having valuable time with their grandparents – rather than getting drawn into battles.
Finally, if tempers do get frayed, there are techniques to calm yourself down. ‘Affective labelling’ is a good one: go to a quiet space, such as the loo or your bedroom, and put a precise label on the emotion that you’re feeling and why. Doing this will reduce the emotional intensity. Or try the ‘fly on the wall technique’: picture the scene from a fly’s perspective and take a few slow, deep breaths. This will create ‘psychological distance’, which also has a calming effect.
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